


how long have you loved him?

by undernightlight



Series: #ProtectMarkCohen [5]
Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: Angst, Emotions, Mark is always angsty, Mark is in love with Roger, Mentions of Mimi Marquez/Roger Davis, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: Roger has left, and Mark is struggling. After not seeing him for a few days, Mimi goes to see him and ask if he's alright and she asks something else: how long have you loved him?





	how long have you loved him?

**Author's Note:**

> I've missed writing Rent stuff, it's been a while since I have, but after watching the film again, I was inspired to write this little thing, and I'm honestly quite happy with how it turned out.
> 
> I hope you enjoy some angsty stuff.

Mark had been in bed all day. He was in bed all day yesterday too. Part of him felt guilty, that he should go downstairs to try and comfort Mimi, help her work through losing Roger and to tell her he’d be there to help in any way he could, but he just found himself unable to move, or if he was being honest, to care. He was laying there, with his face half buried in the pillow and his blankets pulled up to his neck, feeling pretty shit.

He hadn’t really eaten, he didn’t have an appetite. He’d gotten up for the bathroom a few times, but then he’d traipse back to his room and collapse into the bed again, almost in a haze really. He hadn’t gotten up when the phone range, not that he often did answer it. It went to voicemail - hearing Roger’s voice with his was hard enough - and Collins’ voice rang through, asking for the keys, but Mark made no effort to more. Instead he just curled his knees up closer to his chest, as if that would somehow help block out the world a little bit more. He was sure alcohol would help, and he still had half a bottle of Stoli, but it was the other side of his room, and whenever he found himself up for the bathroom and he’d return, he would forget about it until he was already under the blankets, and by then he had no energy to get up again. He had at least half a bottle, plenty to get him wasted, enough to poison him if he drank fast enough, and he was sure if he had his hands on the bottle, he’d down it as quick as he physically could. Maybe it was best it was out of reach,

Everything Roger had said that night was right. He was closed off. He did use his work as a distraction. He always buried himself in it as deep as he could so he didn’t have to deal with reality, but what else was he to do? Everyone around him was dying. Mimi, Collins, Roger. They’d already lost Angel. There was Joanne and Maureen, HIV free, but they were still dealing with each other, and it was complicated, it always was with Maureen. They didn’t really come round much anyway, not since they’d split, so he didn’t even have them. He felt truly alone. So yes, he attempted to distract himself with his filming and with whatever he could because otherwise...because otherwise Mark wasn’t sure he’d be able to carry on living, knowing eventually everyone he loves would leave him.

He heard the door slide open, and he though maybe finally someone had broken in to steal what little they had and he’d be bludgeoned to death in his bed. He wasn’t completely opposed to the idea, but he’d hate to think the last think he’d see was the damp on the ceiling or the boring coloured walls. A few seconds later, the door to his bedroom creaked open, and only then, when he heard nothing else, did he lift his head off his pillow. Mimi was stood in the doorway, her arms wrapped around her body, with a sad smile across her face, or at least it looked like her. Mark reached for his glasses and slipped them on, and it was indeed Mimi.

“Hey,” she said, taking a step into the room almost hesitantly.

“Hey,” he replied. He tried to mask his voice, which only further proved Roger right, but he did it for Mimi’s sake as well as his own, and he pushed himself to sit upright. “How’d you get in?”

She held up a key between two fingers, “Roger gave it to me a while back,” and then she slipped it back comfortably against her palm, and her arms around her chest again. “I haven’t seen you in a few days, wanted to see if you were alright.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re still in the clothes you wore to Angel’s funeral.” He looked down at himself. He’d discarded the jumper, but he still had on the striped shirt, though it was half open and exposing his once white vest. “May I?” She pointed to his bed.

“Urm, yeah, of course,” and he shuffled over to give her suitable room to curl up beside him. And she did, pulling her knees up into her while his now were outstretched in front of him. He adjusted the blankets, shifted them closer to her, but she didn’t seem to bothered.

“Are you doing alright?” Surely, he should be asking her that, not the other way around, but Mark found he didn't know how to answer. Maybe answering honestly would help him, or maybe it would make things far worse. So he just shrugged instead. “I’m not,” she continued, “So I can’t imagine you are.”

“He was your boyfriend, or whatever you guys were. It’s a bit different.”

She nodded, and he offered some sort of smile, though he wasn’t sure what it was supposed to help with, but she returned t exactly, the same expression, half lifted but still sad with just a hint of dying hope; he knew it well. And then it was quiet between them. Mark first stared at his fidgeting hand in his lap, but he grew bored of that, so then just space out, staring off somewhere at the wall. His eyes drifted to the Stoli sat on his dresser, and he looked at it, but he still didn’t have the energy to get it. And with Mimi here, he’d probably have to share. He could still get wasted, but he wanted enough to numb him for at least a couple days.

“Can I ask you something?” She spoke after awhile, “It’s kinda personal, but I think it might help me. You don’t have to answer though.”

He turned to her and nodded slowly before adding, “Yeah, of course.” He wanted to be a good friend, he really did, but something life just got to the point where he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t sure how much use he’d be, but he’d try.

“How long have you loved him?”

Taken aback was an understatement as he looked at her, processing what she’d said. He could feel his jaw begin to ache already and he hadn’t even opened his mouth to utter back a reply along the lines of ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘I think there’s been a misunderstanding’. He looked at him, and she turned to look at him.

“I not jealous,” she went on to say, “I just know you’ve been through a lot with him, and that maybe you’d be able to help me, telling me how to cope or just talking about him in a way I’d understand.”

And then looking at her, Mark knew she knew and he knew he could lie to her. He gave a slight nod, taking that precious time to compose himself to talk. “I...I couldn’t give you a specific length of time, but I’ve known for a while. There were some moments that just reminded me of it.”

“Tell me.”

“They aren’t all exactly happy moments.”

“Please?”

He took a deep breath in, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say no. Mimi loved him too, she was suffering just like him - no, not just like him. Her and Roger had something together, that wasn’t what Mark had, it was almost like he was grieving the loss of something that never was, and it was pointless, but nevertheless Roger was his friend, and he trusted him completely. And he trusted Mimi.

“Well...I’ll start with something a bit more light first, and it was when he first came to life support. I’d already been before, and I can’t remember if you’d been but I’m guessing you probably had. And everyone was there, the usual people, and they were all singing the affirmation when he came in - I was too but when they sang it, it just meant something else. I watched him walk in and go to stand with Collins and Angel, and I just…” He looked to her for silent reassurance, and the smile she gave him told him to continue, “And I just felt so much for him. I was looking at him and-and nothing else seemed to matter in that moment. I totally forgot I was filming. He was looking around the room at the people and the walls and chairs, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off him, not even if I wanted to.

“Another time, and it was a while back, before we knew you, and this is...this is dark, but it was when we found April.” He took in another lungful, feeling like he couldn’t get enough oxygen in to keep him going. “We’d gotten back, me and Roger, from the store I think, and we’d left April in the apartment. She’d been down, especially about her HIV diagnosis. It had been less than a month since they’d found out about it, but Roger wanted to cheer her up so we went to go get some stuff to cook one of her favourite meals. We got back and we couldn’t see her, and she didn’t respond when we called out, so we assumed she’d gone back to her apartment. I went to use the bathroom after putting the shopping on the counter, and I first noticed the shower curtain seemed out of place, and it wasn’t until I looked down that...that I saw her there.”

Mark could feel his voice losing strength, his throat beginning to close up just at the thought of it, but Mimi rested a reassuring hand on his leg through the blankets, and with another breath, he continued. “And I didn’t know what to do. I was still in the doorway, just frozen, and Roger noticed and asked if I was alright. He said he’d called my name three times before I responded but I don’t know. I told him not to go in there, and he looked so confused but I couldn’t lie to him so I said it was April. So of course he had to go in. I tried to stop him but he pushed passed me, knocking me down in the process. The next thing I heard was this scream, him crying out when he saw her.

“I scrambled to get to him and I pulled him close and I just held him as he broke down. I managed to turn him so he wasn’t looking, but...I just felt to hopeless. There was nothing I could do in that moment but just let him cry. I wanted so badly to just take away his pain but I couldn’t. It was one of the moments that made me realise I would do anything to protect him, to keep him safe and out of pain. I don’t think I did a very good job, but I tried. I really did try,” he said, turning to her. There were tears in her eyes just like the ones he could feel in his. “I felt the same when he was going through withdrawal. He’d break out into sweats and he’d shake and he was just a wreck, and I had to watch it and I just so badly wanted to ease his pain but I couldn’t.” He sniffled, fighting back the now very present tears.

“Mark, it’s okay,” came her voice, “You were exactly what he needed all that time.” The words cut through him like a hot knife and he lost what little control he’d managed to keep since Roger had left. He started crying. He very quickly took his glasses off, knowing they were pointless and only getting in the way, and he set them aside just as he felt her arms wrap around her shoulders, and he couldn’t help but sob louder, his body almost convulsing. He was being selfish, he couldn't help but feel that. He should be supporting her, she’d lost Roger too, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Mimi kept whispering comforting words to him through his breakdown, telling him it was okay to cry, to let it out, and that she was there for him because everyone needed someone. He appreciated it immensely.

When there were no more tears, he was just heaving, but eventually that stopped - he could barely breathe. He straightened himself out as her hold around him relaxed. He knew his eyes and face would be red and that he probably looked like shit in general. “Sorry,” was all he was able to mutter.

“Don’t be sorry,” Mimi replied, “You have nothing to be sorry for, okay?” She hugged him again, and finally he was able to reciprocate, even if it was just holding onto the arms around him with what little energy he had left. He was exhausted, and she seemingly knew that, as she let go and gently eased him back down against his pillow. She carefully slipped under his blanket pile and lay next to him. He was thankful that she didn’t try to say anything else, just letting it be, and just allowing him to be with someone and not feel so alone. He still felt pretty lonely, but better than he had previously. He didn’t have an overwhelming urge to drink himself into a coma anymore, so he was definitely grateful. Roger was lucky to have someone like her. And she was good for him, better than Mark ever could be, he knew that, and he smiled to himself as he drifted off to sleep. He only ever wanted Roger to be happy, to have the best, and for him, that was Mimi, and Mark was surprisingly okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to some pretty chill/sad kpop tunes while writing this, and if you're into kpop, I totally recommend:
> 
> > let me know - bts  
> > stay - blackpink  
> > the truth untold - bts, steve aoki
> 
> They really, to me, encompass the tone I was going for, so yeah.


End file.
